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Posts Tagged ‘Wondering’

I rescued them from a terrible fate. Who else was going to do it? The quarter was in my pocket anyway; what good is a quarter? I knew someone had loved them, once. Maybe someone would love them again. God knows, I already did, but we just weren’t a fit.

For a quarter, I was willing to give them the chance to find that fit. I had the perfect place to give them that.

Or so I thought. They hung out there for months. I presented them as well as I could. Their best side. Their best position. I even considered giving them my old Bufalo fringed jacket to show off with, but decided it was beneath them. I wanted them to speak for themselves. And the Bufalo was in need of serious Love; it made them look used up.

I gave them a little bio telling about their origins, their age, at least the parts I knew. They looked pretty good sitting there. I figured someone walking by might fall in love. It had happened to me that way once. So I set them up front and center, but still in sight of security cameras in case anyone got any ideas. I didn’t want them to get snatched. The person capable of that would not have good intentions. It wasn’t that I had so much invested in them [a quarter, remember], but they deserved better than a thief. And truthfully, I’m trying to make a living.

Every day that I saw them, they were the same as I’d left them, except for the few times I found them tossed rather ruthlessly on their sides. Someone feeling them up, because they could, rejecting them for some cheap piece of skin down the way. Split leather pigskin, no doubt. Who knew the difference anymore? Not many who came here, looking for whatever might make them look good for as cheaply as possible.

They weren’t cheap, not by those standards. I know you can buy something with a similar look [if you don’t look close] for nearly half the price they languished for. And the only reason I said I’d let them be had for what I did is because there was nothing new about them. They would be perfect for that girl that asked how to make Frye boots look like the ones the starlets wore with their little boho dresses. The “vintage” look. You know, like they’d seen the backs of a few motorcycles and dirt roads.

The heels weren’t walked over but one sole had the beginnings of a hole. A bad enough scratch cut across that one’s toe. And they were creased from calf to ankle. They were a little beat up. They look like the slightly neglected children of my own perfect pair of Frye Ladies Campus boots, circa late 70’s to 80’s. The same 15” shank, same labels, same classic round toe and triple stitching. With this particular height and heel style, my pair would fetch three hundred dollars to the right buyer. They’re in perfect condition. I’d asked fifty for these russet colored babies.

Surely they’re worth it? I knew they were. I’d done my research.

The problem with assigning worth to previously owned objects is this: how much something’s worth is dependant on the Right Seller connecting with the Right Buyer, at the Right Moment. Sure, they’re worth fifty. They’re worth sixty or seventy, or more. But will the person they’re worth that to, find them? Apparently not a lot of Frye boot lovers were ambling around where I left them.

I’d been considering exposing them to a larger market, served up in pictures to whoever might happen to see. Boot porn, some people always look.

Well, the thing is, I’ve just learned that, well, it’s over. They’re gone. Someone coughed up that fifty and took them home. And I’m torn. I’m elated, because I knew they were worth it. I knew someone would have to have them. At the same time, I feel strange about it. I don’t know who bought them. I wasn’t there when it happened, and no one remembers. They could be anywhere by now. It was my mission—get them back in circulation and their rightful purpose. They were headed for the dump, you know.

But I can’t help wondering who bought them. I can only hope she loves them. Why else would she have spent the money?

I wonder if I’d recognize them in a crowd? Would they speak to me? Would their new owner speak to me, my own feet in boots like hers? Would there be a special vibration set off when they chanced to near me again? I’m pretty sure I’d recognize them.

One thing I know, whoever’s wearing them has got small feet. Size 7B. I can see her slipping them on as I did my own, saying “Oh yeaaaah, these are my boots.” She probably wore them out of the store. I hope she put them on her nightstand at bedtime, so she could see them first thing in the morning. I hope she gloats over them like I did mine. That’s who I hope bought them, someone who they called out to. “Hey, over here! We’ve been waiting for you!”

I guess my work is done. Now I can only hope. Here’s to you, Small Frye’s. I hope she treats you well.

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I must confess

You give a chill

To flutter by my head

Your inky form

Causes a thrill

Of shudders in my bed

 

I will admit

You have a way

Of mesmerizing me

With jerky flight

I’m hypnotized

By something I can’t see

 

I can’t deny

I long to know

What calls you to my side

Your circled flight

Can only show

You find yourself yet shy

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She waits

Counting hours

Days

Weeks

She’ll wait

It’s been a year now

She’s waiting

For him

 

She stays

Counting fears

Doubts

Assurances

He’ll stay

For all those tears now

She’s staying

For him

 

She hates

Counting signs

Red flags

Hunches

She hates them

There are so many

Waiting

On him

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“I don’t believe in dream catchers.” she said. I looked at the small hoop that hung in the window, the only thing left behind. I paused, several beats, at a loss. Finally I ventured, “What do you mean when you say you don’t believe?” I didn’t want to offend or challenge, having nothing at stake myself. But I often wonder what exactly people mean when they say, “I don’t believe”?

She explained that they are “some kind of native American thing”, part of a spiritual belief, and that the dream catcher is “supposed to catch your bad dreams.”

I pondered, ended up saying nothing. For the rest of the day I pondered my own penchant for symbolism. A rainbow, like a special message in the sky in the exact moment I am willing to have hope renewed. A Jay’s feather like a gift in my garden, on a day blue might delight. A hollow rock shaped much like a heart, later found anew with a crack in it’s left side, telling a chapter in my story.

Treasures, small emblems of the walk I’m on.

Yes, these are of nature; no human had his hand in their being. Still, if the universe can put them in my path to speak to me, cannot the same be with anything? People themselves are put in our path to give us messages.

 

Two days ago a sparrow lay caught in a roll of chicken wire I keep for the garden. She looked dead, exhausted no doubt. She was caught by one claw. One claw is all it takes to trap us and cause us to struggle to the point of utter depletion. And who would not struggle in the face of no escape? I can’t imagine why she entered such an uninviting mess as a roll of wire, but once inside, only death, it seemed, would release her. It took several minutes to clip away the snarls of knotted wire to reverse her fate. Carefully, patiently, I delicately snipped, not wanting to injure her further, finally extracting her one toe from the last twist of metal. Away she flew, where she had been immobile a second before.

“fly”, I said.

 

Yesterday the pasture across the road was still. Suddenly the handful of cows there ran like the wind, causing me wonder and amusement. They love nothing better than standing still, chewing, and they looked awkward in flight. I thought it might be a game they played together.

They headed towards a wall of the barn, and I knew even the prospect of feeding would never cause them to run so fast.

Further away, horses huddled near their own barn, looking vigilant, looking ready for something.

On my way down the road 10 minutes later, my truck window was hit with a rock. A sizeable one. Then another. Suddenly the skies opened, raining down millions of stones. Actually ice. Hail, the size of stones. I drove back as fast as I could to get the dog in the open bed to shelter and to cover the new trucks with quilts, sleeping bags, scraps of blanket, anything.

Where scary-sized hail seems here to dissipate as quickly as I can ever take action, this hail never stopped, but came down with more and more velocity.

We ran through the stones, rescuing the works I’d spent so much time on and getting them under cover. It had been clear and over 100 deg for weeks and I never expected to have to shelter them. They are living works of art, full of plant life, and surely would take to these hailstones only slightly better than my tomatoes.

As the stones pelted my arms and back, I cried out, but ran into them anyway with plywood to cover the tomatoes. One of us wore a hardhat, one of us a cowboy hat. The hardhat was better. Where I had laughed at it first, I wished for it instead of my straw hat. Later I counted the bruises on my right arm.

There was nothing left to do, finally, but watch. I’d never seen a thing like it.

 

Well, had I not been given information? The horses, the cows, said “Something’s coming.” I would not register the meaning because it would not match up to what I thought I saw. But I took note, enough to feel foolish later.

This is not magic, not a mystical sign, not encoded at all. But it does speak of my own sometimes ignored inner knowing. Instinct, intellect, intuition, observation, not separates at all in my mind. It all works together, yet still I forget.

 

The hail stopped at last, as did the torrential rain that followed, and I considered trying again with my former plans. I wandered the garden, impressed with the slashes in the wide squash leaves; shredded. The tomatoes were torn up where there was no cover.

 I wondered what was next in the day; the birds were silent. I remembered that earlier in the day, while watering, I’d found a dead bird under the bench. She had a twisted foot.

 

A sparrow sat on the bench, right on the seat, as though waiting for a date. Clearly the hail had stunned her; perhaps she was hit in the eye as I was. She made no attempt to flee when approached, but accepted a finger to ride on. She blinked, the only sign of awareness. Complying with deposit on a safe limb high up the Smoke Tree, she sat blinking and observed us. I am not so touched or pleased by seeming trust from wild animals, for it says something is wrong with them. Survival reigns over passivity for them except when truly exhausted, or when trying to fool you into missing how injured or sick they are. And I’ve learned to leave small birds alone, for rarely have I helped them at all. But predators abound for a sparrow on a bench.

I imagined what story she might tell if she could, and then I wondered if she knew what had happened to her at all. First the sky caved in, then a giant creature picked her up and put her in a tree. I backed up, a respectful distance, and wondered what she thought for several minutes. She seemed to be waiting for something, still.

“fly” I said. And then she did.

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Today. Begin.

Everything

You’ve worked for

Imagined

Dreamt

Longed after

Mourned

 

Today. Now.

Whatever

You had pictured

Envisioned

Slept on

Chased after

Sorrowed for

 

This day. Stop.

Whoever

You’ve projected

Pretended

Posed as

Run from

Scorned

 

Today. Just live.

What are you still running from?

Waiting for?

This is not a test.

You will not be graded.

 

 Just be.

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okay, kalei, try this and think about it a bit:

every day, take a moment to breathe very deeply. and then reach deep down into yourself- that part of you, you love about you, and just be there for a few moments. every day. deep, loving breathes welling up from the deepest, loveliest, sweetest, strongest, part of you. picture your heart center as the center of your favorite succulent or other flower/plant/tree reaching down into the soil and out into the sky.

every day, breathe your beauty out into the world.

it is an endless supply.

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Maggie,

 

Interesting question to my own question, and I’ll to answer it.


What is it that I would like people to see?
I guess just me. Not dry, stressed out skin, or makeup, all though I have no problem with make up. I just don’t like it much when it’s what you see when you look at a person.

And I have not adjusted to “aging” where my looks are concerned. It’s shocking to watch them change, even slowly, and wonder, “Who will I become?” Maybe it’s even harder when one somehow bypasses so many of the signs of aging, for so long. It’s been this way for me.


What do I want them to see?.… You have me thinking hard now, Maggie, about what THAT question means.


Maybe that’s the answer, for me to think about; what I want people to see…and why it matters to me.

What I have always had a hard time with where my face is concerned is this: always, my every emotion has played out there in high relief. I don’t do deadpan.

It makes me feel very “un-private”, all though I am not, by nature. It makes me want to withdraw from humanity when I am not feeling well, because it makes me feel too vulnerable. It makes me not look as well as I’d like, when I am sad or disturbed. I can, to some degree, consciously control this, but with great effort only, and then only when I am feeling strong.
Hmm….I wasn’t expecting the question, or my own answer.
There is no moisturizer or make up for that “skin” condition. LOL.


What do you think of that?
Is it a bad thing? I would not rather have a robot face; I just wish it were not quite such a conduit for my feelings…

My skin.

I don’t mind when I am around people who are fine with however I happen to be, feel, appear at any given moment. It is difficult when working, say, with the public, or around people who are uncomfortable with what they perceive as “weakness”. It’s also bad when encountering people who are um…. predatory in nature. Hard to protect myself. They tend to home in on anyone who wears their emotions on their sleeve.
Interesting question, Maggie—you’ve made me think. Such a simple question, yet so much to answer.

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Who is mad

Who is the he

Who wears this hat

Who is this thing

He calls his insanity

 

Who am I

To pass opinion

Or judgment

Against my best laid

Plans

He made me crazy

But I tried not to be

 

Who is spared

Who is he

Who names blameless

Who is this one

He calls lunacy

 

Who is he

To pass opinion

And judgment

Against their best said

Stands

Who makes them crazy

Because

They try not to be

 

He is Who

 

Who is He

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Wonder

Sweep me off my feet

Wonderful

I wonder what it means

Such wonder

I wonder at this

Wonder

It’s a wonder

I can feel at all

 

Weary

I’m so weary

Keep my head down

Steal my sleep

I’m just a little over

All of it now

I’m dragging

Dead on my feet

 

But still I wonder

At this wondering

Wonderful

I wonder what it means

Such wonder

It’s a wonder

Wonder

Finds me after all

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I’ve lost you

I think for good this time

I’ve lost you again

I’ve just now realized

How much I need you here

 

I’ve looked everywhere

I’ve tried everything

And I can’t replace you

I’ve pleaded time

And time again

But you aren’t coming back

 

I guess now it’s up to you

Or fate

Or the stars

Nothing I say

Seems to penetrate

Your stubborn heart

You’ve strayed

And nothing I can do

Will bring you home

 

I filled your pages

Lovingly

Well, yes, I ripped some out

And once or twice threatened

To quit you

But you were always around

Waiting

And I came back, didn’t I?

 

No ones pages quite like yours

So comfortable and worn

You always knew me best

My words filled you up

And made you

I made you different from the rest

 

I wrote to you

Faithfully

Well, yeah, I broke your spine

And once or twice, I hated you

And left you behind

But you were always around

Taking it

And waiting

And I gave myself back, didn’t I?

 

No one else can take your place

So long, now

Just a memory

I’ll think of you

When I stare into another’s face

 

I’ve lost you

I guess for good this time

I’ve lost you

I’ve just now realized

How much I need your ear

 

All these years

I’ve told you everything

I told you time

And time again

You were the only one

But now you have nothing

To say to me anymore

 

I keep thinking you’re going to be there

Next to my pillow

But there’s just an empty space

You took all my secrets

All my hidden meanings

You took it all

With you when you left

 

My words filled you up

And made you

I made you different from the rest

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